tw: rape

i would like to see more discussions/posts on how the be-all-end-all of recovery from sexual assault doesn’t have to be “good sex.”

i know for a lot of people, finally having good, consentual sex is a big milestone in recovery. they may even feel like they’ve fully recovered. and that’s fantastic for them! if that’s what they needed to move past/accept/etc their trauma, then i am happy for them.

but i feel like this line of thinking gets applied to all victims of sexual assault, and we’re told by everyone that we’ll be fully healed once we can have crazy orgasms again or something.

my /personal/ goal with dealing with the trauma involved with being raped is not to be able to have “good” sex again. in fact i’m pretty sure this line of thinking made me feel even worse about sex. when i would have “good” sex with a loving partner and still get triggered, i felt like i would never get better. i felt like there was something wrong with me. i would feel the pull to tell my partners that they didn’t do anything wrong. i didn’t want to make them feel guilty. so instead of focusing on me and how i was personally feeling really fucked up, i was focused on soothing my partners, even if they seemed fine.

i feel like sometimes, through no coercion from my partners, /i/ forced myself to have sex. because it had been a long time, because i did feel sort of turned on, whatever. but i didn’t want to. but it was so ingrained in me, from my abusers and from people trying to help, that sex was the answer. if i was physically aroused but my mind didn’t want it, i’d go with what my body said. because how was i supposed to get better if i didn’t try, right?

it is okay to have complicated feelings about sex. it’s okay to have sex, to want sex, to enjoy sex, and then feel gross and dirty afterwards. it’s okay to not want sex at all. it’s okay to be physically turned on and still not want sex. that does not mean you failed. that means that fucked up shit was done to you and you’re still sorting through it.

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